As promised, an original piece I wrote when I was a teenager on a well-known piece of literature.
I must warn you hereby: this is not high literature (as is the book it is based on) and if you seek good writing, DO NOT READ IT. However, if you like cheap jokes and make sun of retarded literature, read and have said laugh...but in between it is really cringe-worthy (as is the original). This is the first part. Soon, more will be released. PART 1: Drawde was a genuinely usual girl. She had brown, slightly wavy hair and nearly everyone assumed she curled it artificially, but she didn’t. Drawde had moved from sunny London to the rain-swept town of Spoons, high up in the north of Scotland. Her parents had separated quite while ago and it was thanks to their divorce that a tattoo featuring an angel saying‘God fucks my parents’ tattoo was embellishing Drawde’s butt. However, Drawde had lived with her mother up to this point, but she had found love again and so Drawde found herself forced to live with her father, Charlie. Charlie was a man of few words and Drawde was glad about that. Sie didn’t fancy discussing the unpleasantness of intimate hair removal with him and so they sat silently in the car after Charlie had picked her up from the station in the further away and bigger city, Citizen. Charlie only snorted when a red Ferrari raced over the road with 100 km/h which only allowed 30. He was the chief of police in Spoons, but could actually not care less about the people’s safety. They sauntered on and Drawde was glad when they finally reached the house. It was made out of wood and pretty rustic. Drawde would have preferred a city flat with a view on the Trafalgar Square, but she would have to live with these circumstances here. She only nearly had to scream when she realised that Charlie had decorated her entire room in screeching pink. “That is amazing, dad”, she managed to stumble before he could read her expression (the corners of her mouth were dragged down and her eyes opened wide in disgust). Charlie snorted again and went to watch television. The television was strictly spoken the reason for her parents’ divorce. Until this day, Drawde’s mother, Renee (whose own mother had had a terrible sense for naming), called the television “terrible spouse breaker”. Drawde sighed and unpacked the few belongings she had brought here. Her attire was not adequate for the volatile weather. The only thing you could rely on in Spoons was that it almost always rained. After Drawde had unpacked, she made dinner and went straight to bed. Tomorrow she would go to a new high school. Spoons High School consisted of 365 ½ students and Drawde already knew they would throw weird looks at her and she didn’t like the prospect. Shortly after her parents had divorced, Drawde had developed the annoying habit of terrible clumsiness to compensate her anger and arise pity. Unfortunately, this habit became uncontrollable and now Drawde was compelled to stumble various times a day and run against things (today she had run against the train door which had born the sign “Caution” and had hurt her foot when climbing into the car. Additionally, she had injured her eye when trying to flirt with the conductor and had thrown her own hair ends in her face). Anyhow, Drawde was not eager to be mocked by all her school mates. When Drawde got into the car her father had given her, she hit her head on the door frame. “Be careful”, Charlie shouted at her through the window. “Of course”, Drawde responded, but her head hurt nevertheless. She drove to school as careful as possible but still managed to kill off two squirrels, a cat and (she hoped) a monkey. Relieved, she arrived at the parking space and got out. The other students examined her and one approached her. She was wearing a dress and, to Drawde’s surprise, wore makeup. “Hello, Drawde Duck”, she said celebratorily and Drawde wondered why she knew her name already. “Hi, er…” “Erica”, she said and laughed (it was most likely supposed to sound girly, but it just sounded retarded). Drawde nodded and moved on. “I am the all-knowing being of this school”, Erice blabbed on although Drawde to show her with all means that she was annoying her (she turned her face away and put on her I-am-annoyed-look). “So, if you want to talk about anything or anything else, ask Erica, alright?” Drawde nodded again, hoping to get rid of Erica soon. She entered the biology lab and Mr Montrose welcomed her by screwing up his nose. In this moment, Drawde saw him the first time. He sat there and glared at her (if looks could kill, Drawde would have lain in twisted ways on the floor, her eyes gazing in the air asymmetrically). She pursed her lips and went to him as gracefully as she could. Unfortunately, her aggression brought round her proclivity for clumsiness and she fell in front of his eyes. He laughed but when the wind tousled her hair, he held his nose. What was wrong with him? Drawde had only stepped into a dunghill once today and Erica didn’t seem to mind. Drawde sat down next to him. “Today”, Mr Montrose said with a piqued voice, “we are going to allocate mitoses to their respective phases. Please start.” The boy pushed the first small plate to her and she put it under the microscope. She looked at it for a long time until the boy yanked the microscope out of her grip impatiently and pulled it to himself. “Anaphase”, he thundered annoyed. “I would have got that”, Drawde hissed. The boy looked at her in a most unfriendly way and screwed up his nose. His eyes were black - why Drawde noticed that first, she didn’t know, but she always looked first at the eyes. Offended, she took the second small plate and shoved it over to him. “Do it better”, she yelled and the class turned to them. The boy rolled his eyes and protected his nose with his sleeve. Such a jerk. Drawde was happy when biology class was finally over and she didn’t have to see the arrogant boy anymore, although she couldn’t help realising - after having stared bewildered into his eyes for forty-five minutes - that he was quite handsome. Like an angel he looked - an angel with black eyes, didn’t they normally have golden eyes? Whatever, he had made her feel as if she stank and just because about twenty students had already avoided her for the smell, did not justify his behaviour. With a sigh, she went to the canteen and sat down to a random group of people. “Howdy, people, what’s up?” she said, hoping they would all think she had been attending this school the past years. One of the girls looked remotely familiar, as she had known her in another life. “Who is that, Erica?” another girl asked the girl which Drawde tried to remember. Exactly, Erica was her name. “This is Drawde Duck”, Erica presented Drawde. The longer Drawde looked at her, the more details came back to her memories. Had her hair been this long when they met first or had they grown? Whatever, Drawde smiled at the other girl whose name she figured out by listening attentively, was Jessy. “Hi, Jessy”, she said proudly and held out her hand. “I am sure you wonder how I know your name”, Drawde continued, proud to present her detective expertise. Jessy looked at her, confounded. “I have just told you my name”, she then said and in this moment, Drawde knew she couldn’t stand her. She looked like she would found an Anti-Drawde-Fraction at some point, anyway. So, Drawde turned away demonstratively and observed how some shadows formed in front of the canteen door. That was not entirely true, but Drawde loved horror movies and therefore always conjured up vampires and shadows in her mind, although nothing like that existed - obviously. Behind the door some teenagers were standing who were frantically trying to look stern and afflicted. At some point, the door opened and Chariots of Fire came out of nowhere. Drawde watched the most impressive entry she had ever seen. First came a tall, young man who looked as if he could wrestle Arnold Schwarzenegger down. Next to him floated the probably most beautiful woman of the world with long, blond hair (so she had to be beautiful). Behind them was a blond boy with a slim, short-haired beside him and she looked like, and Drawde didn’t know why it popped into her head, a fairy - or a vampire. They all managed to walk with the tune and Drawde admired that they didn’t keel over or stumble despite the fact that they were walking in slow motion. Behind them there was biology class boy - hey, probably the longest compound, Drawde pondered, but whatever. He managed to walk even slower and straighter than the others and his hair whipped with every step. He looked around smiling as if he knew what everyone was thinking - how absurd. He walked across the room and arrived the table the second Chariots of Fire ended. Fleet-footed, he sat down and looked at his food with distinct concentration which he - like all the others - didn’t eat. That had to be it, Drawde thought, he was anorexic and she had smelled of her new chocolate body lotion, which smell he had to despise. Content with this new realisation, she nodded towards him but he only looked at her as if he needed a toilet or was trying to read her mind - on or the other. “That is Alleb Fallen”, the girl whose name had slipped Drawde’s mind again informed her. “Allen Fallen?” Drawde asked. “Is he anorexic?” The stranger looked at her quizzically. “No, or maybe yes, actually no one knows. He and the others are kind of weird.” “Yes, they never eat”, the girl named Jessy interjected. To demonstrate her dislike for her even further, Drawde turned away from her. “You don’t eat when you’re anorexic”, she remarked coolly but then she realised that this comment rather offended the other girl. “Then they would be thinner”, Jessy retaliated. Such a stupid cow. “Are the others his siblings?” Drawde investigated further although she could tell with one look that they didn’t look alike at all. “Yes, of course, after all, they look identical”, Jessy responded and Drawde turned her head away again. “The Arnold Schwarzenegger rip-off is called Meme.” Drawde looked at Jessy enraged, as she had had the Schwarzenegger thought first. “And the blond’s name is Lose”, Jessy continued regardless Drawde’s respectable disrespect with which she respected Jessy. “The blond guy who looks kind of manipulative is Leicester”, the stranger continued - what had been her name? “And the little, weird one is Alice.” Drawde nearly choked on her bun. “Like Alice in Wonderland?” Jessy and the other one nodded in unison. “That is ace, I wish I was like Alice - a bit naive, permanently conjure up stories in my head, attracted to danger and weird characters…” Drawde inhaled deeply. Jessy and the other one nodded knowingly. “And the boy, what’s his name?” Drawde couldn’t remember his name if it was for her life, even though it had been mentioned some mere minutes ago. For her he would always be biology class guy. “You mean Alleb?” Drawde nodded. “The one with the beetle black eyes.” “He is good-looking”, Jessy said. “But he never went out with any of us, such a retard, as if there were better girls in the world.” Jessy seemed resentful and Drawde was so exhilarated by this that she sang in her head: Haha, Jessy got turned down. Haha, Jessy got turned down. Jessy got turned down… At some point she realised, clued by Jessy’s and the other girl’s dumbfounded expressions, that she had, indeed, been singing the song out loud. Embarrassed, she shoveled in her apple and stood up quickly. Thank god this day was soon over...
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AuthorIn September 2015 I started a new chapter of my life by moving (temporarily or permanently, not yet decided) to England where I work and socialise now. Archives
December 2017
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