People say when you've uncovered a problem, you have already solved it. I found this saying to be unequivocally wrong.
Recently I uncovered my biggest vice (among all my little ones), which is envy. If you are following me on Facebook you might have come across a quote I posted, it was as follows: It's not that I am not happy if others have success...I am just happier if they don't. This quote completely applies to my life. I find myself struggling to be happy for others - even if their friends, sometimes especially when they are friends. When people I know fail at something, I smirk inside while pretending to feel with them and am secretly relieved that they haven't achieved what they wanted. A couple of years ago, my sister managed to publish two of her poems in one of the biggest German anthologies for poetry and all I felt was embitterment. She told me she even hesitated whether she should tell me or not as she didn't want to upset me (as an aspiring writer it stings a lot when someone else gets published). When people quit their studies, I can't help but feel happy and when people failed big exams back when I was studying, I smiled inwardly. Now, before you throw your laptop away (don't do that, I might not be worth it), here some points which may make you understand better why. First, I only feel happy about other people's failures regarding career choices and the accompanied luxury which can be afforded. I would never smirk if someone told me they had a terrible disease or were at the edge of dying. Secondly, I mostly feel envious if the person has achieved something I have dreamed of achieving for a long time. If some addresses me with "I just managed to throw thirty balls in a row in the basket" I would say "Good job" and mean it. Thirdly, the reason why I feel relieved about others' failures is only because it takes off the pressure of me. If others fail, it matters less that I am failing, too. If they succeed (especially at a younger age), it only makes my failures and shortcomings more conspicuous. So, in the end, I smirk because I just got more time to make something worthwhile with my life - that is the reason. I know the reason doesn't justify the attitude, but, as stated in the beginning, I can see the problem. However, I am not much closer to solving it, so I can say for myself that the previously stated quote isn't true. I can only force myself to smile more believably at other people's success, be more careful what I say around people of whose success I got green with jealousy and try harder to accomplish both my own idea of success and a different attitude. Still, the problem is not solved, it's just termed. If someone goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with stadium 4 cancer - hence, terming the problem - it doesn't mean they are healed from it. However, to stay on the positive side, recognising the problem can help you working on it and that is what I am trying to do...but honestly, who is seriously happy about other people's success?
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AuthorIn September 2015 I started a new chapter of my life by moving (temporarily or permanently, not yet decided) to England where I work and socialise now. Archives
December 2017
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